Hidden Chapstick

Grief is a right of passage- all of us at one point in time will experience grief. Whether it be the loss of an opportunity, moving to a brand new state, totaling your favorite car, or losing a beloved pet, a parent, friend, or child.

Grief is truly like a fingerprint- it is unique to each of us. No one person experiences grief the same way- some process quickly, some take a lifetime to process. Some people put that energy to good use and others drown their grief. Some people dive into their faith, while others dive into their work, a project, or a bottle.

Grief can make you do and say funny things! My family recently had a conversation about this and learned that both kids and grown-ups have different ways grief manifests into every day life:

-Keeping a special chapstick of a person that passed, because they used it and on special occasions you use it too to kiss them one more time.

-Always getting white milk in the lunch line, because it’s the same white milk carton you drank from at the hospital where your late baby sister visited frequently. Somehow that white milk carton makes you feel your baby sister is joining you at lunch each day.

-Having a special piece of jewelry like earrings or a necklace, and wearing that item on special occasions to “take that person with you” to the event. Then further rubbing that special jewelry item (for me it’s a fingerprint embossed on a necklace) to bring comfort and “feel them near”.

-Sneaking a smell of their favorite lotion, blanket, worn shirt, hat, or shoes. The smell brings them back to your senses and for a split second they feel present in your world.

-During a special day that may be grief heavy such as a birthday, anniversary, or a holiday: lighting a special candle in their memory. For awhile, their spirit feels present and their warmth can be seen or even felt in the glow and scent of the candle.

-Keeping an eye out and searching for signs when their spirit is near- whether it be sunflowers, special colored sunsets, cardinals, a cotton candy stand, or their lucky number suddenly coming front and center.

-Privately stepping outside in the middle of the night, looking up to the stars, talking to your heavenly family,  knowing they can hear you (and wondering how it feels to jump from star or star or galaxy to galaxy).

-Sharing fun stories with others as if it were yesterday, speaking in the present tense (because their spirit is still alive and present).

Grief is beautiful, messy, complicated, and filled with a wide range of emotions each and every second. It can bring a huge smile or happy tears to your face. It can also make you scream, bring you to your knees, and sob for hours.

Friend- I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and your grief. There is no judgement, no timeline, and no “right way” to grieve. I share all these “odd” ways grief manifests in my life to help you know and feel you are in some good company.

If someone doesn’t understand your grief, it’s okay! We wouldn’t expect to compare our fingerprints with each other and decide who’s is better or more or less unique. So why should we judge each other’s grief? We shouldn’t.

The Bible says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will”  (Romans 12:2).

With that- let’s hold our grief gently. Let it flow softly in and out of our days as it needs to. Allow it to show up in only the unique ways we know it does and let our minds and bodies handle it in the unique and lovely ways it does.

Let’s not feel like we need to hurry or rush or conform to the ways society or your family or your circle of friends believe you should grieve. You are beloved, cherished, and unique. Your grief is the same. Breathe in. Breathe out. And begin again.