By The Chimney With Care

The holiday season is upon us, and for many people they are filled with so much magic and excitement. There is an expectation of peace, joy, and togetherness. Warm cozy fireside nights, hot cocoas overflowing with marshmallows, and sharing stories of the past with your close family and friends.

But for many people, the holiday season is far from this. The holidays can remind us of all that we have lost, the traditions that abruptly ended, and the heartache of all the "lasts" we didn't truly know were our lasts.

Grief is just a five letter word, but man some days it feels like it should have a heck of a lot more letters than that. Grief during the holidays can be overwhelming. It can literally turn you upside down and keep you from experiencing all the good this magical season truly has to offer.

Just ask the Grinch:

"One o'clock, Wallow in self pity

Four thirty, Stare into the abyss

Five o'clock, Solve world hunger; Tell no one

Five thirty, Jazz-ercise

Six thirty, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again!

Seven o'clock, wrestle with my self-loathing...

I'm booked!"

My dear grieving friend, I too have been there. The holidays can feel like all too much but yet not enough all in the same breath. The holidays truly show us just how amazing, wonderful, yet fragile life can be. The holidays help us to see everything that really matters, but sometimes a year or more too late.

For my fellow grieving friends out there- let me make a couple suggestions to help you this holiday season:

1. You are not your grief. This is not who you are or who you will always be. Grief, in my book, is simply love that has nowhere to go. So that love often comes out as tears, sorrow, or our bodies needing tons of rest. Learning to channel that love in positive ways is an art form, and many of us will be in that art class for several years or decades to come.

2. Be gentle with your grief. Much like the glittery snowflakes that fall so effortlessly, we must let our grief come and go with as much gentleness as we can. You may need to call in some snow plows (friends) if your grief decides to turn into a full blown blizzard.

3. Allow your grief to feel things out. Some traditions we once had truly can still remain, it might just look a little different. Maybe you always baked together, or sang a special song together, or watched that one movie together this time of year. It's okay to try and if its too hard, it's okay to stop too. But you may regret not trying at all down the road. So try!

4. Allow your grief to try new things too! Maybe you want to start a new tradition to honor your lost loved one. Perhaps its lighting a special scented candle on a certain holiday. Or maybe changing the dinner menu to your loved one's favorite foods. Or maybe its doing something fun your loved one would have enjoyed with a few close friends. Or maybe that empty stocking doesn't need to be empty this year- perhaps filling it with things the entire family can enjoy (or your loved one's favorite treats).

5. Say their name. Talk about them. Tell their stories. Tell others their stories. There is something so magical and therapeutic about talking about them. Because they are ours, and we are theirs, and nothing (not even eternity) will ever change that. To heck with awkward- life itself is so awkward- so let's be awkward together and let our feelings and thoughts and grief flow in only the unique ways it knows how.

6. Know they are present. I'm not going to get all holy moly on you today, but I believe that our spirits exist together, always. I know (not think, but know from experience) that our loved one's spirits and ours are forever intertwined. Their spirits can be felt, their presence can be known, and their lighting of our paths and course in life can be observed.

7. Know that your loved one's on the other side of heaven want you to experience life to the fullest. They want you to experience all the love, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness this world has to offer. They want to see you thrive, fulfill your dreams, and honor them in ways only you can throughout your lifetime.

Dearest friend, I want you to know that you are not alone this holiday season, not even for a moment! You are in good company and the hot cocoa and tears will always be flowing over here. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself (and your grief) some time and space this season. Let yourself breath, allow the moments to have their moment, and hang those stockings by the chimney with care.

The poem "Holiday Grief" by Donna Ashworth:

The festive season, ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, but if you are missing a face at your table, it can be the hardest time of all. How to feel merry, how to feel bright, when your world has lost its light? How to carry on, continue the traditions, when the person who made it all worthwhile is not there? How to face the music, the dancing, the cheering and the reflection of a year gone by, when the pain is already suffocating on an ordinary day?

You just try. It is all you can do my friend. You try, very hard, to imagine, what that person would tell you, and if you listen really closely you will hear it in their voice. What would they want you to do? Retreat? Isolate? Or take their favorite songs and their funny stories and their little festive habits and share it with your loves? In their honor. Now that they cannot.

I think we can all agree, it is what they would wish for you. I think we can also agree, that they would want you to feel as loved, as you once did when they were here. They would want you to feel their love still. They are trying very hard to make you feel it. It hasn’t gone away.

And you need that love now more than ever, and everyone around you needs it too. So, feel their love, say their name, bring them back to your festive table, even if it takes all of your courage and heart. It is the only way.