“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou
Think back to your childhood- a celebration that you truly enjoyed. Maybe it was a birthday party, or Christmas, Easter, or a weekly family game night or movie night.
What do you remember most about that celebration? Was it the food you ate? The color of the balloons? The theme of the party? Everyone who attended? What gifts you may have received?
Odds are you probably don't remember much of that. What you likely remember most is how wonderful it felt to be celebrated by your loved ones. You probably remembered how good it felt that someone bought you a gift. You probably remember the joy of hearing that special birthday song, with your name in it, and the anticipation of blowing out the candles, and when you finally blew them out how good that applaud felt as people cheered. You may have all the warm fuzzy feelings rushing back even as you read these words on the page.
How we make others feel is truly a big deal. Those feelings often become associated with core memories (good and bad ones) and are basically tattooed in our brains.
As an adoptive and foster parent, we see this ring true in some of the most beautiful ways, and also some of the most heart wrenching ways. Our brains, even at a very young age (yes, even in the womb) are sensing and processing information much sooner and often than many of us adults give credit.
Our bodies remember things as young children, even if our young brains aren't quite mature enough to understand all the "how's" and "whys". Talk to any therapist or psychologist and they can quickly attest that our bodies truly do keep the score. While our brains cannot always remember, our bodies certainly do.
This is why during major holidays, like Christmas, that we may feel grief, sadness, sarrow, and deep pain amidst all the sparkle, joy, seasons greetings, and good tidings.
You aren't being a scrooge if you can admit to these feelings in this season, your body is just processing and responding in ways it uniquely knows how.
I can attest first hand that the holidays without a loved one can be hard. All the should be's, would be's, and could be's rush to the forefront of our minds. Grief doesn't play by a rule book, so anticipating these feelings and knowing how to help them pass can sometimes be a tough thing.
Instead of focusing on the negatives (that life isn't panning out the way you had hoped) let's try to let grief know all the things it should:
We are safe today
We have food to eat
We have good friends (some we'd even call family)
We have all our wonderful warm fuzzy memories of our celebrations past, and nothing can take those away from us
We get to choose our joy, hope, and faith
We can choose inclusion- attending that holiday party or invite to dinner
Our grief and pain are momentary (they will come and go and not last all hours of the day)
We have control over our own boundaries- how we experience the world and the people and things all around us.
We have a God who is for us and has favor over us
Let's also remember that just like people have an effect on us, that we also have an effect on others. It's not the number of presents we give, the elaborate parties we throw, those amazing dishes we bake, or the time we spent driving to five shopping malls and waiting in the checkout line for that perfect gift that our children, friends, and family will remember in the years to come.
What they will remember is how much they are loved. How special you made them feel. How safe they felt in your company or embrace. How joyful they felt to experience the magic of Christmas with you- whatever the experience may have been.
May you keep this memory close to your heart this holiday season - that the perfect meal, party, or present really doesn't exist (or matter all too that much).
It's the way you made someone feel that will last a lifetime, and hopefully one day, with a little faith and luck, those same feelings will be passed down to the next generation.
"May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children
May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, he is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you"