"He's making a list,
And checking it twice,
Gonna find out,
Who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!"
You've probably heard this song above hundreds of times. You probably also know of the Christmas tale where Santa fills stockings with toys for all the good little girls and boys. While he brings coal for all the naughty kids.
Well in our family, he also fills stockings with grief. Let me explain...
Our dear daughter Olly Belle passed away from Tay-Sachs disease in March of 2020. She was a month shy of her second birthday. That following Christmas was one of the hardest Christmases we've ever had. It felt all so heavy, hard, and like everything we did was not good enough and couldn't take away the pain.
When it came to hanging Olly's stocking that year, I had to trust my gut and hang it up with the rest of our stockings. I could not bear her stocking not being hung, even if it meant having to stare at that red knitted reminder that she was gone, every single day.
As I pondered what Christmas morning would be like, I couldn't accept the fact that her stocking would be empty. Let alone there would be no presents for her under the tree. I pondered what she would be asking Santa for this year, and what he would have left in her stocking.
She is a fan of all things girly and pink. She loves unicorns, bright colors, sunflowers, and the sweet taste of cotton candy. She loves watching her big sister dance and even joined us in family dance parties the best she could-- giggling and flailing her limbs to the music while the rainbow disco ball lights reflected on all our faces.
The idea then hit me- Santa should fill her stocking will all the things she loves. The family can then open her stocking and share the goodies in remembrance and celebration of her on Christmas morning.
That Christmas her stocking was filled with so many pink things- candies, ornaments, fidget toys, a tiny pink candle, hand sanitizer's, nail polish, and even pink cotton candy. It was a sweet moment of remembrance and joy- for a minute she was there with us again on Christmas morning opening her stocking. The smell and taste of that cotton candy brought smiles to our faces as we remembered her giggles, sweet smiles, and famous eye rolls she'd give us all the time.
From then on, this became a new tradition in our family- for Olly's stocking to be filled with joy, love, hope, and yes even grief. Each year my husband and I try to out do ourselves with her stocking- a Minnie Mouse themed year, a sunflower themed year, and a White Christmas theme this very Christmas (think the "sisters" song with blue dresses and blue feathers).
If you are experiencing any sort of grief this Christmas, I want you to know that you are not alone. And also that you are not crazy. Grief has a funny way of showing up when we least expect it to.
So let those grief moments flow, allow yourself to feel all the feels, and also allow yourself to do some of those things that may seem odd to an outsider. Maybe its baking your loved one's favorite dish, or enjoying their favorite candy, or lighting a candle in their memory for the day, or dancing to their favorite song, or hanging their stocking up and filling it with wonderful things you can share with your loved ones.
Grief comes in all shapes and sizes- there is not a one size fits most here. May you find joy and peace today in the small things, for one day we will look back and see that they really aren't such small things after all.
Merry Christmas!
