Are you a good friend? No really, have you ever pondered that question? Have you ever doubted whether or not you are a good friend? Maybe you are sitting alone right now questioning if you have any REAL friends (or are they all just really acquaintances)?
Odds are, you probably have a couple great friends and many acquaintances. And that is not only ok, but actually the way we were designed. There is no way for us to maintain more than 5-7 closely intimate relationships at any given time. It is nearly impossible and will deplete your energy faster than a toddler who just ate birthday cake. It will quite possibly suck the life right out of you if you try.
Friendship has to be intentional. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes so much empathy, patience, and sacrifice. Friendship does not happen by chance. It happens by choice. Friendship means sometimes setting aside your agenda, your priorities, and your plans to inconveniently help pull someone out of the trenches of life.
Friendship is messy. So messy. Friendship shows us the ugly truths we all live day to day, some of which we might even be embarrassed by if anyone knew. Friendship means bringing each other into your messes, including the dirty socks in the couch cushions, the sticky maple syrup on the table from last week, and your crumb filled floor. It also means exposing people to the other messes in your life- your traumas, your shortcomings, your marriage, your parenting, your finances, and so on.
In her book, Find Your People, Jennie Allen says "The closer we are to other people, the more our rough edges will scrape them". We'd like to think that "iron sharpens iron" which is true. But also in friendship, that iron can sometimes be a little too sharp some days. Friendship means confession, prayer, and forgiveness. Then some more confession, some more prayer, and some more forgiveness. Over and over again it means seeing the best in someone, despite all their beautifully broken pieces and scars.
In the Bible, Galatians 5:22-23, we learn that there are fruits (or results) of being filled by the Holy Spirit:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-control
Let's look back to those 5-7 close intimate friends you might have. If you are being honest with yourself, are these fruits on display with your 5-7 close friends? Would your friends say you are filled with love? Joy? Peace? Patience? Self-control? If not, perhaps it is time for some honesty, some transparency, some prayer, some forgiveness, and some accountability.
For others, you may not have found those 5-7 friends yet. I challenge you- those people may already be in your circle and you just don't see it yet. Perhaps you are too busy to even notice, or you are trying your hardest to maintain too many close personal friendships that there isn't enough time or all the conversations are too "at the surface" of life? Or maybe, just maybe, you aren't sure if they knew the real you, or your real mess, that they would still accept you, befriend you, or care about you?
I encourage you to read Find Your People by Jennie Allen. It's an amazing read that walks us through how God designed friendship, how to choose your 5-7, and how we can show up even when we mess up. I also encourage you to attend a local church - keep strutting' the fruits you have and keep working on the ones that haven't fully ripened yet. They are there, they just may need some extra watering.
In all things, finding amazing friends takes time. And that time happens in all the margins in our lives. We can become so focused on our work, our marriages, and our children/families that we loose focus entirely on our community. We were designed for this community. Our spouse, our children, our siblings, and our parents cannot so easily fill these 5-7 intimate friendship roles.
I promise you won't regret having invested in people who invest right back in you. Supporting people that support you right back. Cooking a meal for someone who cooks one for you. And loving and sharing your faith with people who share the love and faith right back.
My life is infinitely better with 5-7 intimate friends. Quality over quantity. Present over perfection. Compassion over competition. If you don't have this in your life yet, its okay! But I promise you it is every bit worth fighting for, stepping out of your comfort zone for, and will grow and stretch you in the most beautiful ways you never expected.
A generous person will prosper, he who refreshes others will be refreshed! - Proverbs 11:25